So your Wife is a
Quilter
by Patrick Cook, the husband of Valorie Cook
from Grand Rapids, MI
So your wife is a quilter. That doesn't seem so
bad, does it? It's a nice quiet hobby, conjuring
up images of our sturdy pioneer mothers,
keeping their families warm and creating
beauty out of old shirts and printed feedbags.
You think of plump grannies in rocking chairs,
piecing a Log Cabin block by firelight, cat
asleep at her feet. An idyllic picture, right?
You're living in a dream world, buddy.
They buy their fabric whole now, in yardage
and "fat quarters" (whatever they are). They
cut this perfectly good cloth into smaller
pieces, and then painstakingly, by hand, sew
them back together. This process calls into
question all the advances of the industrial
revolution.
Quilting generates a blizzard of debris.
Fabric scraps and batting clog and burn out
your vacuum cleaner. (Hint: don't go barefoot.
Your feet were never meant to be
pincushions). The cat frequently swallows a
length of discarded thread. Soon, one of two
things will happen; you won't like either of
them.
This is not the end of your problems.
There are frequent expensive trips to the fabric
store, and even more expensive quilt shows in
faraway cities. There are bees, which are little
groups of quilters who get together
occasionally to complain about their husbands
and children. These bees may meet in church
basements, but occasionally they come to
your house and take over the dining room
table. Your presence in the next room won't
intimidate them.
Quilting also tends to take up more and
more of the house. Sure, your wife might
decide at some point that she has enough
fabric. I've never seen this myself, but it could
happen. More likely, your home will become a
candidate for that TV show where some poor
fellow's dead body is found under a collapsed
pile of old newspapers. In your case, it will be
a tower of yardage and color-matched prints.
As far as I know, there is no twelve-step
program for quilters, but you may avoid codependency
by following these tips:
1. Set up a space outside the living area for
the quilting equipment and fabric storage. I
have refinished the basement, and we are
moving everything down there. Other
husbands have constructed pole barns,
rented industrial space, or moved to
another city under an assumed name.
2. Have your wife make a small business out
of her hobby. Internet sales can be
lucrative. They might even partially make
up for the enormous sums she spends.
Very important: Do not participate in the
business yourself. First thing you know,
you'll be maintaining complicated
machinery, acting as an errand boy, and
dealing with the post office. You have better
things to do.
3. Don't be tempted to accompany your wife
to quilt shows, thinking that time together
will add spark to your relationship. You
won't see her all day. You'll wander around
aimlessly among the booths, finding nothing
remotely interesting. Sure, you could meet
other lost husbands, and find camaraderie
in the nearest bar. Usually, though, a
woman in a quilted vest will mistake you for
a fabric vendor. She will try to hustle you for
free samples.
4. Don't try to distract your wife with other
activities, such as gardening, cooking or
housework. Though she may have done
these things in the past, that's all over now.
Quilting is her life. Accept your fate. Learn
to cook and run the vacuum. Get a hobby of
your own. You could join a softball teamslow-pitch,
preferably-or learn simple
carpentry skills. Then build a pole barn and
move into it yourself.
Finally, remember you are not alone. There
are plenty of other quilt-widowers out there.
Thank you Lynne C. for passing this along for us
all to enjoy!
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